Better be nasty first, before someone else is nasty to you.

Ever notice how that seems to be the attitude of so many people?  It’s an attitude that exudes arrogance, because it asks the world to earn respect, instead of automatically endowing each person with dignity.

people at a meetingOn the other hand, my mother, of blessed memory, always treated people with respect until they lost it, and more often than not, they lived up to her expectations. Never one to be in the spotlight, she earned no honors or awards but she had a smile and a welcome for each new person. 29 years ago, the throng at her funeral testified to just how many people she had touched with this attitude.

In the nonprofit world, you are far more likely to encounter people like my mother than the nasty folks of the first paragraph. But if that’s the case, why is there acrimony when board members, volunteers and staff professionals disagree? If the nonprofit world is filled with people who have the best interests of their organizations at heart, why is it sometimes hard to maintain a cordial discourse?

Maybe, although we profess that each party has good intentions, our actions belie that belief.

Let’s take, for example, a house of worship.

The people on the board of trustees, or vestry, or similar body, are volunteering their time to make this house of worship a healthy, vibrant place for all people who wish to participate. But sometimes, when there is a disagreement on the board, personalities are brought into the discussion, old grudges are revived and arguments become heated. Nastiness occasionally ensues. Trustees storm out. Rumors are spread. Email diatribes fly.

Yet each party to the disagreement probably began by arguing from a position of faith, and love of the organization; each wants the church, mosque, or synagogue to be the best it can be. How much more cordial the discussion would be if each party stepped back, acknowledged that they all want the organization to succeed, and then acted as if they truly believed it.

The disagreement is not who loves the congregation more – it’s about how best to improve it.  The next time a disagreement starts – and there WILL be disagreements – step back and reinforce this. Elevate the conversation. Place the issue at hand in front of the board, and remind all the parties to presume that each comes to the table in good faith.

I am not a Pollyanna. I will not deny that there are people who are regularly nasty or are just plain bad guys. But you can’t convince me that the majority of the world would not want to see it improve.

Presume good will.

If you’d like to find out more about how to elevate the conversation in board meetings, get in touch with me at sdetwiler@detwiler.com.  Let’s see if there are techniques for making the meetings more productive, by focusing on why you’re all there in the first place…because you ALL want to achieve your mission.